Hi blogger friends,
I wanted to give an updated report on my hands, since I shared about their worn-out, weak and achy condition in my last post. Thanks to a friend, I was able to get my hands checked out by a hand specialist sooner than expected. Good news first: I do not have arthritis and I do not have ganglion cysts. Yet, I do have two things going on: tendinitis in both thumbs/wrists, also known as De Quervain's syndrome, as well as extremely (overly) loose thumb joints. She asked if I am loose and flexible all over. I laughed. Quite the opposite actually. The treatment for both conditions, in both hands: restrictive braces for 6 weeks, only to be taken off to shower. Needless to say, I have been writing much less and showering more often 😉! I will update after my follow-up appointment in June.
Recently, I have been feeling motivated to declutter, simplify, reorganize and repaint our house - which of course would require extended use of my hands. Such poor timing to be both motivated and restricted. My current condition reminded me of something. As foolish as it is to me now, when I was a child I would wish to be injured so that I could get special attention. It seemed desirable, but I didn't truly know what I was wishing for nor all that would come with it - the consequences, the causal effect, the cost. I fixated on the part that appealed to me, for selfish gain, causing a certain kind of blindness, and causing everything else in the big picture to be blurred, overlooked or justifiable.
I had minor injuries here and there, but nothing that knocked me down for too long. I finally got my "childhood wish" at the age of 16 when I tore my ACL (knee ligament), requiring surgical repair. As a star athlete in 3 different sports - going from excelling to sitting on the sidelines and being quickly forgotten was not desirable, in fact, it was devastating. The (instant but momentary) special attention and privileges weren't worth the loss, the pain, the long recovery, the fight to be where I once was, the fear of re-injury. This certainly challenged my thinking about desiring injury or suffering as a means to gain special attention.
What foolish things do we wish for, to what length will we go to, to get what we don't have, to get what we long for, to get what seems desirable and worth gaining? Whatever it takes. Whatever makes you "happy". To gain a better life. To mask or minimize the pain. To fill the emptiness. To feel special. That in the moment seems reasonable. Follow your heart. So they say ("they" as in those influential voices claiming wisdom and knowledge, saying things your itching ears wanna hear to suit your own desires). They were wrong. The heart is deceitful.
The more I grew, the less I would desire affliction and the more I would depend on my appearance and high achievements to gain attention and to earn affection or happiness (without compromising my high morals) - as fleeting and unfulfilling as it would be, but desirable nonetheless. My "happiness" was dependent upon me, or you, or someone else, or a pleasant experience. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions - highs and lows.
Outside of the fading spotlight, sometimes I would intentionally withdraw and isolate myself, to draw attention to myself, so that just maybe someone ⇢ one special person ⇠ would notice, and care, and take interest in me when I just didn't seem to have what it takes to stand out in a crowd - to be cherished above all others.
Other times, I would put up defenses and test you, to see if you would put forth effort, then I'd measure that effort - was I worth it? How much was I worth and to what length would someone go to, for me? What was my worth? The kind of soul worth that was not directed at my "good looks" and not dependent upon my "good works".
What seemed desirable to me and worth gaining was actually self-destructive.
Nothing would ever be enough for me, when the motivation was for selfish gain.
No one could ever measure up or be enough for me, when the longing was God-sized.
Nothing would ever be enough. No one could measure up. To what length would I go to?
In His mercy, no measure of sin, selfishness or self-destruction is too great for my God. Grace is greater.
For He takes destructed, defeated and deplorable persons and recreates something whole, new and beautiful. He sees the scars and sad eyes, and He sees something worth rescuing and restoring - whatever it takes (without compromising His character). To gain you back. To have your heart. To cherish you. To guide your heart. To give you life. Not necessarily "a better life" on earth, as "they" might define such a thing, but to give you a better perspective of eternal pleasures (goodness + glory + hope) and a happiness (blessedness + joy) that is not dependent upon what happens or doesn't happen under the sun ~ a chasing after the wind ~ ~ ~
The length for me to go to, to get what I didn't have, to get what I longed for, to get what was truly desirable and worth gaining ⇢ was not higher (pride), but lower (humility) ⇢ to step down and consider the big picture, to lift up my eyes and bow down low, to reach out with empty hands... to see what my pride prevented me from seeing, believing and receiving... to see how foolish my thinking was, how futile my efforts were, how vain my pursuits were, how injured my heart was... to see the length of my insufficiency, then to see what length Jesus went to, to gain what I could not - a God-sized length that could only be filled by Him... to see how much God loves me, to see His great worth, to see my true worth through His scars and sweet eyes, to see how much effort (grace) He extended, to see the extent and full sufficiency of that grace, to have joy because of such grace, to be free because of such truth, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, to be filled by this love - a God-sized longing that could only be filled by Him.
To be honest, a longing remains. A longing to be united with Him ⇢ face to face ⇠ to see Him as He is and be like Him. And a longing for others to see what I've seen, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, so that you, together with me, may be filled with the fullness of God and receive fullness of joy ⇢ joy because of grace ⇢ to be cherished by the One who is truly desirable and to give special attention to the One who is worthy of it all, both now and forever more!
Grace and peace ~
SS
Some scriptures to look into: Ecclesiastes 12; Proverbs 3; Jeremiah 17:5--10; Isaiah 61; Psalm 103; John 1:16-18, 8:31-32, 15:9-17; 1John 1, 3-4; 1 Corinthians 1:20-31, 3:18-21; 2 Timothy 4:3-8; Titus 3:3-8; Ephesians 2:1-10, 3:14-21; Romans 5; Galatians 5:13-26; Colossians 2-3; 2 Corinthians 5; Romans 8; Philippians 3, 4:4-13
I wanted to give an updated report on my hands, since I shared about their worn-out, weak and achy condition in my last post. Thanks to a friend, I was able to get my hands checked out by a hand specialist sooner than expected. Good news first: I do not have arthritis and I do not have ganglion cysts. Yet, I do have two things going on: tendinitis in both thumbs/wrists, also known as De Quervain's syndrome, as well as extremely (overly) loose thumb joints. She asked if I am loose and flexible all over. I laughed. Quite the opposite actually. The treatment for both conditions, in both hands: restrictive braces for 6 weeks, only to be taken off to shower. Needless to say, I have been writing much less and showering more often 😉! I will update after my follow-up appointment in June.
Recently, I have been feeling motivated to declutter, simplify, reorganize and repaint our house - which of course would require extended use of my hands. Such poor timing to be both motivated and restricted. My current condition reminded me of something. As foolish as it is to me now, when I was a child I would wish to be injured so that I could get special attention. It seemed desirable, but I didn't truly know what I was wishing for nor all that would come with it - the consequences, the causal effect, the cost. I fixated on the part that appealed to me, for selfish gain, causing a certain kind of blindness, and causing everything else in the big picture to be blurred, overlooked or justifiable.
I had minor injuries here and there, but nothing that knocked me down for too long. I finally got my "childhood wish" at the age of 16 when I tore my ACL (knee ligament), requiring surgical repair. As a star athlete in 3 different sports - going from excelling to sitting on the sidelines and being quickly forgotten was not desirable, in fact, it was devastating. The (instant but momentary) special attention and privileges weren't worth the loss, the pain, the long recovery, the fight to be where I once was, the fear of re-injury. This certainly challenged my thinking about desiring injury or suffering as a means to gain special attention.
What foolish things do we wish for, to what length will we go to, to get what we don't have, to get what we long for, to get what seems desirable and worth gaining? Whatever it takes. Whatever makes you "happy". To gain a better life. To mask or minimize the pain. To fill the emptiness. To feel special. That in the moment seems reasonable. Follow your heart. So they say ("they" as in those influential voices claiming wisdom and knowledge, saying things your itching ears wanna hear to suit your own desires). They were wrong. The heart is deceitful.
The more I grew, the less I would desire affliction and the more I would depend on my appearance and high achievements to gain attention and to earn affection or happiness (without compromising my high morals) - as fleeting and unfulfilling as it would be, but desirable nonetheless. My "happiness" was dependent upon me, or you, or someone else, or a pleasant experience. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions - highs and lows.
Outside of the fading spotlight, sometimes I would intentionally withdraw and isolate myself, to draw attention to myself, so that just maybe someone ⇢ one special person ⇠ would notice, and care, and take interest in me when I just didn't seem to have what it takes to stand out in a crowd - to be cherished above all others.
Other times, I would put up defenses and test you, to see if you would put forth effort, then I'd measure that effort - was I worth it? How much was I worth and to what length would someone go to, for me? What was my worth? The kind of soul worth that was not directed at my "good looks" and not dependent upon my "good works".
What seemed desirable to me and worth gaining was actually self-destructive.
Nothing would ever be enough for me, when the motivation was for selfish gain.
No one could ever measure up or be enough for me, when the longing was God-sized.
Nothing would ever be enough. No one could measure up. To what length would I go to?
In His mercy, no measure of sin, selfishness or self-destruction is too great for my God. Grace is greater.
For He takes destructed, defeated and deplorable persons and recreates something whole, new and beautiful. He sees the scars and sad eyes, and He sees something worth rescuing and restoring - whatever it takes (without compromising His character). To gain you back. To have your heart. To cherish you. To guide your heart. To give you life. Not necessarily "a better life" on earth, as "they" might define such a thing, but to give you a better perspective of eternal pleasures (goodness + glory + hope) and a happiness (blessedness + joy) that is not dependent upon what happens or doesn't happen under the sun ~ a chasing after the wind ~ ~ ~
Lift up your eyes. Freedom comes when you no longer strive for personal "happiness" because you have been given fullness of joy, overflowing from absolute grace and truth.
The length for me to go to, to get what I didn't have, to get what I longed for, to get what was truly desirable and worth gaining ⇢ was not higher (pride), but lower (humility) ⇢ to step down and consider the big picture, to lift up my eyes and bow down low, to reach out with empty hands... to see what my pride prevented me from seeing, believing and receiving... to see how foolish my thinking was, how futile my efforts were, how vain my pursuits were, how injured my heart was... to see the length of my insufficiency, then to see what length Jesus went to, to gain what I could not - a God-sized length that could only be filled by Him... to see how much God loves me, to see His great worth, to see my true worth through His scars and sweet eyes, to see how much effort (grace) He extended, to see the extent and full sufficiency of that grace, to have joy because of such grace, to be free because of such truth, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, to be filled by this love - a God-sized longing that could only be filled by Him.
To be honest, a longing remains. A longing to be united with Him ⇢ face to face ⇠ to see Him as He is and be like Him. And a longing for others to see what I've seen, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, so that you, together with me, may be filled with the fullness of God and receive fullness of joy ⇢ joy because of grace ⇢ to be cherished by the One who is truly desirable and to give special attention to the One who is worthy of it all, both now and forever more!
Grace and peace ~
SS
Some scriptures to look into: Ecclesiastes 12; Proverbs 3; Jeremiah 17:5--10; Isaiah 61; Psalm 103; John 1:16-18, 8:31-32, 15:9-17; 1John 1, 3-4; 1 Corinthians 1:20-31, 3:18-21; 2 Timothy 4:3-8; Titus 3:3-8; Ephesians 2:1-10, 3:14-21; Romans 5; Galatians 5:13-26; Colossians 2-3; 2 Corinthians 5; Romans 8; Philippians 3, 4:4-13
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